For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

Monday, February 2, 2009

My Sweet Adonai

Last Saturday, January 24th, was the anniversary of the death of the love of my life. As in the Titanic, "my heart will go on" but there will forever be a void in my heart that only the memories of my sweet Adonai can fill. This poem is dedicated to him. Gone but not forgotten.

My Sweet Adonai 
(August 25, 1969 to January 24, 1989)

It’s been four days since that fateful night and yet I still remember it like it was yesterday. I guess to me it always will be.
Tears poured down as if they desperately needed to rid themselves of all moisture. If I could release them all then the memory might not linger. If the dark clouds of sadness could disappear then maybe my despair would too. Maybe I could disappear into oblivion too. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I have no desire to be with people. I want to be with John.

Tonight like that night I pray my world will end or at least the guilt will go away and then I can live and laugh again. To me that “end” seemed to come anyway. I lost the ability to love and to be loved. I lost the ability to trust in humanity as it was ripped away from me and no one could restore the broken pieces. 

She didn’t see the stop sign and he (the other driver) didn’t see us. Our car was spinning out of control but there was no time to react. In a moment life as we knew it had ended. He never had a chance to grow up and we never had another chance to say, “I love you.”

My sweet Adonai, gone at 19. My cheers for a soccer champ were silenced and replaced with tears, heavy and wet. Do they have soccer fields in Heaven? Maybe you kicked that final ball through Heaven’s portals. I shall lay my pompoms down at your grave and think they are more beautiful than a bouquet of roses. You will know I am with you when you look down and see them. A pompom that’s not waving is like a heart that’s not beating.

We were too young to experience life on our own. A marriage we dreamed of was only that—a dream. Now I was in a nightmare and he had been called into eternity. How can he be rejoicing around God’s throne when my heart is aching so badly?

We wanted to be together one last time. Just a quick trip to Burger King. They’ll never know we left the campus together. Now the whole world knows because death cannot be kept a secret.

“Ma’am you need to let go of his hand—we need to get him to an ambulance.”
“No, I can’t leave him! He needs me! Please!”
“She’s bleeding. Where is she bleeding from?”
“I’m not hurt—I’m just shaken up. Where is this blood coming from?”

Riding in a police car on the way to the hospital. You run down the corridors frantically searching, hoping and praying. “Adonai, I’m coming for you. You’re going to be okay.”
“Ma’am, we’re sorry. Your friend—he didn’t make it.”
“No! You don’t know what you are talking about! He just kissed me and told me he loved me. We were only going for a ride. This isn’t supposed to happen to me, to us! We’re only teenagers.”

My world came to a halting stop and yet the room still managed to continue to spin. “God, please take me with him. Let me spend eternity with him. How will I go on without him, my precious Adonai?”

Full of disbelief I acted as if I never heard the words. They don’t know what they are talking about. It’s not his time to die. They’re lying to me. Don’t they know what this is doing to me?

“In His Presence,” that is the song we sang at his memorial. John was with the Lord and I was left behind to grieve. I’m too young to grieve. I don’t know how to say good-bye. I don’t know how to tell people I’m hurting. I cannot reach out to anyone. I wish I could die too. Let the tears flow again and again. Yes, that is how I am coping—I just keep crying.

Gayla and I are at the funeral home. She tells me, “You need to see him one last time. You need closure. You need to tell him good-bye.” From a distance I can see him lying there. No movement, although I swear at any moment he is just going to rise up and bring peace to a room full of grief but he doesn’t—he can’t. The room begins to spin and I begin a downward spiral. I am fainting—maybe I too am dying. Perhaps I am falling into my sweet Adonai’s arms. John catch me! Leave me there near my sweet Adonai and let me stay with him forever, please! If this is a terrible dream then don’t wake me.

“God, we were just teenagers. How could a life so young, be stolen so quickly?” No reply! “Why did YOU have to take my best friend from me?” Still no reply!

“God, can you hear me? Where are you? Why are you letting this happen to me? How much more pain can I endure?”

Tomorrow they will lower my sweet Adonai’s body into the cold earth. His soul is already in Heaven and as the rain falls I think he is crying for me. My tears begin to fall AGAIN. They run down my cheeks like raindrops from Heaven. They don’t comfort me. They taste like salt, yuck! But then a peace comes over me and it’s as if the raindrops reassure me that Someone in Heaven does care and understands.

I think too much and now I begin to ask God, “Why didn’t my Adonai get to fulfill the perfect plan that we are all promised? He wanted to go to the mission field. He wanted to be a soul winner. He wanted…but that wasn’t what you wanted, right?”

Then in the silence of the rain and my tears I hear a soft reply, “My child, my plan was perfected through the life he lived and is now complete. I welcomed another child home and he is rejoicing around the throne. But you, child, still have more living to do. In time you will understand and there will be meaning to your tears.”

God’s plan was perfected and complete and my sweet Adonai’ death was a lesson to all that he left behind—life is fragile. There is no way that we can control who lives and dies nor at what point we take our final breath. I survived that terrible car crash but John didn’t. There is a time appointed for all men to die and January 24th was John’s appointed time. All we can do is have faith that we will get through it. 

Good and bad are obvious and sometimes not so obvious. Right and wrong choices can determine life or death. So it’s time for us to wake up! Mourn no more, for God in time will heal our broken hearts. I know this to be true but someone needs to tell that to my heart because it’s breaking into a million pieces.

And one day, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week or next year but someday there will be no more tears to cry. But today, I will cry and I will remember the love of my life and the life he loved. And I will be carried to Heaven on the wings of a prayer and rest safely in the arms of my Savior but only after I cry.

I love you Adonai. I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart. God, take care of him until we can be together again.

Gone but not forgotten—forever in my heart you shall stay!

Love always and forever,
Your one and only Gigi girl


  1. So sad :(

    A.K.A. Reviewr11 (Don't know my password on this computer, lol!)

  2. Gigi,
    You've shared the story of your Adonai with me a few months and reading this once again made me cry. You are always in my prayers.

    Krista Lynn

  3. Odd that i should find this today Gigi, a Good neighbors wake is tonite. When you feel sorrow for your loss, try to remember that a guitar or a violin must first be carved and bent from wood, a tree must die, to make music on that beautiful instrument. You too are an instrument.

  4. I am so sorry for your loss, Gigi. I can't even imagine what you have gone through over this last year. I will be praying for you, especially tonight as you comfort your friend and her family as they mourn the loss of thier loved one. Thank you for sharing your heart and your pain with me and many others. The Lord be with you and shine His face upon you, my friend.

  5. Your blog made me think of Ecclesiastes 3 and of course the song by The Byrds. Pain like that never truly goes away, but hide for a while and shows itself again, even years later when you least expect it. Few young people ever experience that particular pain, thankfully. But, God allowed you to and He has used it in your growth to help mold you into the person you are today. And, from what I can see, that person is a very, very good one. My prayer for you is that you will continute to shine God's love into other people's darkness like you do now. Someday you will see your Adonai and I'm sure he will be proud of the good life you've lived.

    Mike M

  6. He only gives what one can take. Best to no as much as you loved him God loves him even more. His characteristics you fell in love with were needed in heaven. one's lost only creates one's self being. Energize's your soul thru pain to make one a Better person.