Hugh: Gone But Not Forgotten (1961-2009)

Have you ever wondered how people get through the difficult times? How do you deal with the loss of a loved one or friend? How do you bounce back after a friendship has floundered, a business crumbles or your dreams are dashed upon the stones? You look to the God of the ages and you realize that it was a part of God’s plan. God makes no mistakes. He makes all things beautiful in His time and though you may be crying today; He will restore the laughter. Hold on to His unchanging hand, joy comes in the morning.

Can you rejoice in times of sadness, sorrow, illness, and financial loss? Yes, you can if you trust in the God of the impossible. God hasn’t promised us a bed of roses or sunshine without rain. God never promised us that hearts wouldn’t be broken, that children wouldn’t rebel, that fathers wouldn’t leave, marriages wouldn’t end or success wouldn’t turn to failure. God only promised to be there no matter what. God promised that He would never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5&6).

Last Friday I found out that my best friend’s brother had passed away. We knew this was coming because he had been sick for some time and hospice was called in right before Easter. But did that make it any easier to say good-bye? No. What made it easier was the peace of God and knowing that Hugh was now in the presence of our Lord.

I immediately went to my friend’s side when I heard of her loss. I spent much time with her family before finally meeting up with her. Debbie asked me if I would stay the weekend with her and the family to help get her through all the coming events and I was more than willing to be there.

Our Memorial Day weekend wasn’t what we thought it was going to be but it was more than we expected. Hugh passed away on my Daddy’s birthday so I will remember that each year and he was buried on “Cousin” Lee’s birthday so we will remember that too.

My role this weekend was to comfort the grieving. How did I do that? Well, I was there for Debbie as much as I could be. I allowed her to cry on my shoulder as we reminisced about the many beautiful memories she had of her brother. I sat up with her every evening as we contemplated what the next day would behold for her and the family. I took pictures, shared stories, entertained children and reminded them all that Hugh was where we all wanted to be.

When we get a glimpse of Heaven we long to go there. Would you dare ask the Lord to send that special person back when you know how beautiful Heaven must be? I would not.

I love knowing that Hugh is now in a more peaceful place. He is no longer suffering because the Lord has made him whole. He is no longer in pain because the Lord has given him a glorified body that can walk the streets of gold, sit beside the crystal waters and envision of a picture of loveliness. Yes, Hugh is now living a reality that our mind can only dream of. And he is beholding the face of our Savior and all things have become new to him.

Don’t be angry with God when He calls another loved one home. He loans His precious children to those on Earth and has a plan for each and every one of them. Someday you will take that final journey and you will cross over Jordan. You shall be reunited with all your friends and loved ones and you shall behold the face of God and you will look into His nail-scarred hands as He welcomes you with open arms. And in that final embrace you shall hear him say, “Welcome home my child. The journey was long and sometimes weary. You can now lay down your sword and shield and you can rest in me for all eternity.”

When you are sad and lonely and the tears begin to fall just remember that Jesus does care. Tears are a language God understands. He can comfort you in a way that no mortal man can. Take it to the Lord in prayer and know that He is working things out for the best for you.

Remember the words from the Crabb Family in I Sure Miss You.

Verse I
If life could only bring again, the days I took for granted when
To hear your voice was just a call away
Oh what I'd give for just some time, to say the things that slipped my mind
There's so much now I'd really like to say
But I can never go back when we did the things we did back then
I'll store those precious memories in my mind
I'll take what you've instilled in me;
I'll try to be all I can be
And walk the path that you have left behind

Chorus
I sure miss you; my life will never be the same with you not here
Each passing day has brought much pain
But with God's grace my strength remains
I sure miss you, but heaven's sweeter with you there

Verse II
The little things that seemed so small, like gold in a memory vault
I cherish every one I have of you
Now I can see and recognize the part you played to shape my life
I often see you in the things I do
In God's design and master plan He saw the hurting hearts of man
As we would say goodbye to those so dear
So with our family and friends we'll be together once again
We'll view all Heaven's splendor hand in hand

Repeat Chorus

In preparation for the funeral the family was asked to write down some memories of their son and brother. While I was speaking with Debbie we began to reminisce about one really fond memory I had of her brother. I'm guessing that no one ever knew this story except for Debbie.

Her parents were going on a vacation and asked her to pick the vegetables from the garden. She invited me to spend the week with her to help her out. I didn't hesitate to say yes because she is my best friend and that just meant another opportunity for me to visit with her. Well, one day we were in the garden and Hugh came down to help. We began working in the field and at some point I realized that Debbie wanted to have a private talk with her brother so I wandered off on my own little adventure. It's a big deal for a city girl to be in the country so I was exploring every plant, bug, etc.

Well, it was then I noticed it. A blade of grass was moving about but it wasn't the wind blowing it. There were two grasshoppers on top of each other! Yes, they were making out and I'm not sure why but this really got the best of me. I pulled the grass out of the ground and these grasshoppers just kept doing the deed. I took it to Debbie and Hugh and they both burst out laughing when they realized "why" I was showing them these two grasshoppers. Hugh was beside himself in tears and wanted me to keep the grasshoppers. So he went into Papa's storage building and got me an empty mason jar. We put the grasshoppers with some extra grass into the jar and Hugh sealed it and poked holes in the lid. We resumed working in the field and every once in a while we would go back to the jar to check on the grasshoppers. They were still going at it and I'll never forget Hugh saying, "They are either having fun or they are stuck!" We laughed until we were crying.

The other night Debbie and I were reminiscing and we both remembered that day. To anyone else it may not have been that significant but to us it became a precious memory.

Thank you to all my friends and loved ones who prayed for Debbie and her family. I know there will be many more difficult days ahead but they will not be alone. God will be with them every step of the way and after the rain the sunshine will peak thru the clouds and we will know there are brighter days ahead. God is and has always been in control!

Child Abuse Awareness

This month is child abuse awareness month so we are reading about organizations that help keep children safe at a larger rate than we usually would. I am active on Twitter and many members are posting their thoughts, ads, etc. But I just cringe at every post because I remember the days when that was me. I remember the days when I was the child running from an abuser and hoping and praying that someone wouldn’t hit me or sexually assault me again.

I am one of the millions that stand today and are counted for. I am one that can stand and say, “I am an incest survivor. I was a victim of physical, sexual and verbal abuse.” But that’s not what I choose to do. I don’t put my story out there that often because my story is history. It’s something in my past but that I do deal with on a regular basis.
I developed anorexia nervosa as a way of dealing with the abuse. My goal wasn’t to become thin because everyone knew I was already a small person. My goal was to disappear into oblivion so that my abusers couldn’t hurt me anymore. Would they really find sexual gratification in a body that looked like a child? Would they want to hurt someone who was as innocent as a newborn baby? The answer was yes to both of those questions but it didn’t keep me from trying to protect myself.

Once I disclosed the incest I began receiving help. I went through eight years of intense therapy. I was hospitalized for the anorexia on four different occasions and each time I survived my visit to death’s door I kept realizing there was a greater purpose for me. So, was it good that I was a victim of incest or abuse? No, but it gave me a greater awareness about the issue at hand. I now have a greater compassion for people who have been abused. I am sensitive to the needs of others who are victims and I pray for them and yes, I pray that perpetrators might get help and stop the abuse.

Why am I writing today? I saw an article about Seal and he was talking about his scars and why he is glad to have them. Scars are a reminder of a battle you may have been in but they also serve to remind people that you survived. They say physical wounds can heal in time but the emotional ones linger. I don’t have any physical scars from the abuse that I endured for 18 years. They are all mental scars that remain in my memory. But when you see my lack of faith in people you see the repercussions of a girl who was abused by people who professed to love me.

I have been a friend with Marilyn VanDerbur Atler. She was crowned Miss America in 1958 and went public in the 90s about having been a victim of incest by a father who was a millionaire; possibly the wealthiest man in Colorado at that time. She is now a child abuse advocate and has opened many child advocacy centers across the U.S. as well as published her story Miss America By Day. Mrs. Atler says not to keep abuse a secret. By keeping it a secret you only serve to protect the abuser. Your cloak of silence only harms you daily as you struggle with something greater than you. You can read about her and her work at http://www.missamericabyday.com/

Take the time to reach out to someone who has been hurting. You may not know what to say but sometimes they just need a safe haven and someone who will listen to them. You might be the shoulder someone needs to cry on. You might be the one who wipes away their tears, gets them professional help or gets them out of an abusive home or relationship if they are still in it. Pay attention and don’t ignore the signs. Many abused people; especially children die at the hands of their abusers because everyone believes that if you ignore it it will go away. You just may be that person’s beacon of hope in a dark world. You may be the one that makes a difference in their life. I am here today because my youth directors believed me when I disclosed the abuse and they did everything they could to get me help and keep me safe.

In 1988 a little 9-year-old girl went public with a song about child abuse after she heard that a little girl had been killed. Sharon Batts decided to write a letter to the president to ask him to help her stop child abuse but she then realized that this problem was greater than anything the president would be able to handle so she penned her letter to the greatest authority known to man. She wrote her song to God. You can visit the following site to listen to the song, Dear Mr. Jesus, and see a video http://tinyurl.com/c4m6sc . This song transcended all genres. It was being played on the pop and country stations as well as the gospel ones. Sharon Batts released some CDs with a group called PowerSource. I have those cassettes and my family knew the significance of that song in my life.

Martina McBride also did a song called Concrete Angel and Jason Michael Carroll also did a song called Alissa Lies. All are heartwrenching songs about children who lost their lives at the hand of an abuser. It is my prayer that we can put a stop to this unspeakable crime against our children. Don’t allow another grave marker to be a reminder of a life we could have saved.

I am an advocate for child abuse awareness, prevention and intervention. I stay abreast of the issue thru professional books, periodicals and websites. My favorite site is http://www.childhelpusa.org/ and the following is a blurb from their site:

Four children die every day in the United States from child abuse; the equivalent of a Boeing 727 filled with kids, crashing each month; or a school bus full of children crashing every 18 days. Fortunately, for almost fifty years, Childhelp®, a leading national nonprofit, has been leading the charge against child abuse. Childhelp® is dedicated to meeting the physical, emotional, educational and spiritual needs of abused and neglected children and was instrumental in designating April as National Child Abuse Prevention Awareness Month.
The founders of this organization are also the subjects of a Lifetime movie For the Love Of A Child. To get more information on ChildHelp you can go to their site or call 1-800-4-A-Child.
“A little speck of hope never goes down to zero no matter how many times it is divided in half.” ~Author Unknown